Your blog is about to be recorded into an audiobook. If you could choose anyone — from your grandma to Samuel L. Jackson — to narrate your posts, who would it be?
“Ready Mrs. Angloswiss?
“We have to do a voice test. It seems that in the meanwhile Vanessa Redgrave and Meryl Streep didn’t have the time and we would have had to pay them too much, so it looks like you are the best/cheapest choice left.”
“But I am a fully paid up member of WordPress with .com with all that belongs.”
“Sorry, but the funds are not enough, you will have to do it yourself. Oh, just a minute, what did you say Fred` Stacy Ann Ferguson, Fergie, is going cheap. Yea that would be good.”
“Just a minute, she was the one that did the voice for Sally Brown in Peanuts.”
“I think I deserve something better than that. What about Helen Mirren, she would be quite right. She played Queen Elizabeth II in the film.”
“No deal, she is not interested in bloggers. You will have to do it yourself. So how about a test. Ready Al? Just read the following.”
“But that is rubbish.”
“You wrote it.”
“No, I prepared something for the test, hoping that Helen Mirren would read it.
“Twas a long road to my blogging success readers, but I have now reached the plinth of my success. The voice of Anglowiss will be embodied in this memorable work of blog. My articulations, my free movement of speech will now be preserved for all to hear.”
“Stop, stop. No, no, no. Do you not have anything more original for the listeners. We want excitement, emotion, movement.”
“Ok. I am now taking the long and extensive road, a path to success. As I look down upon you all gathered around your audio sets, savouring every work I am saying……..”
“No, that is too ordainary. Please with more emotion. Perhaps you could include some sobs and sighs between the first and second sentence.”
Take two Joe. Ready Mrs. Angloswiss.”
“The same again?”
“Of course, Rome was not built in a day and an audio version of your blog will need time to develop and mature. And a little more excitement.”
“No problem. Just stand together, that I can get you all in my sights.”
“What are you doing with that gun Mrs. Angloswiss”
“Just shutup and listen. We will now do it my way. Keep quite, I am calling the takes.
“Today we are gathered in the studio to hear my memorable voice telling you all about my blogging experiences. It has not been an easy task, but I am now recording this message for all to hear. There are many things to learn from a blogging experience, but No. 1 law is not to repeat yourself. I am sure you all agree that hearing the same words and following the same directions is a boring task. I endeavour to make my blog something original day for day, despite the fight against the powers that threaten with countless repetitions of the same subject matter, indeed the same words. We all know the phrase “tell us all about it” and then we blog. Hear my words people, this will now come to an end. My pingbacks have been blocked, destroyed, my daily prompt no longer appears on the grid. Yes, this will be my first and last message to all. To the revolution brothers and sisters, stop the misuse of the daily prompts by countless boring repetitions……”
Just a minute you have unplugged the microphone and my headphones are not receiving your orders.”
The recording fades out with the sounds of gunshots and screams in the background.