Kind Red

Romford Cemetery

Evening was drawing in at the Vlad and Morticia Drac residence when they heard the bell ring.

“I will go Vlad, are we expecting anyone?”

“No, the boys are now preparing to have a night out. Oh, wait a moment, I placed an order with Kind Red and it might be the delivery by VPS”

“Not again Vlad. Since I bought you that iPad for your 600th undead anniversary you are constantly ordering new things. The Vampire Parcel Service is a regular visitor.”

Morticia opened the door and sure enough it was VPS dressed in their smart black and red uniform with two large parcels. One of the parcels had the distinct form of a coffin.

“No, not another coffin. Vlad come and sign. Where are you going to put this coffin, you already have a nice deluxe model lined with bat fur. No self respecting vampire needs more than one coffin. And what is in the other parcel?”

“No panic Morticia, I’m coming I just have to put my new werewolf slippers on. Arn’t they pretty, only three Rumanian € and with a genuine certificate of origine.”

“Vlad, I believe you are becoming addicted to shopping.”

“I am here thank you sir, a very prompt delivery.”

“Yes, it is always easier to travel in the twilight hours, traffic is not so heavy.”

“Look Morticia, just what I wanted. When I saw it in the Kind Red catalogue I knew it would be ideal for storage.”

“For storage of your undead body?”

“No, this time it is just a coffin look-alike, but really it is storage space for my blood supplies.”

“For your blood supplies?”

“Yes, no more hunting on the streets. Today the living have absolutely no respect. Why only last week I was ready to pounce at midnight on an inviting jugular vein and my customer just laughed when he saw my nicely sharpened white teeth. “Come off it grandad” he said “you are a little old for playing vampires. If you really want to see some blood then let’s do it properly.” He called his friend over and they both laughed at me together: laugh at me the Prince of Darkness and King of the undead. I was furious. It was when his friend said “Piss off old man, you smell” and the other produced a jackknife and stabbed me with it, that I realised today’s youth really have no respect.”

“Oh, poor Vlad, so what did you do?”

“What did I do? I was so angry at the display of ignorance and disrespect that I took the quickest flight path to the local blood bank to drown my sorrows in drink.”

“Now that is really no solution Vlad.”

“Wait I am not finished. To top it all, the blood bank was closed for renovations. I did not sleep all day after I arrived home, but thanks to Kind Red these troubles are now dispersed.”


“With my new storage unit for my blood reserves Moticia. It was a special offer. If you buy the coffin together with 50 plastic bags of blood it is all half price. That is the second parcel, the blood supplies. And I could select the blood groups. You see there is a lead at the end of the coffin. I can plug this into the electric supply and a temperature of 1-6° C is maintained: ideal for keeping blood nice and fresh. If you open the lid to the coffin you see it is not an empty space, but divided into various compartments to store the various blood groups. It is ideal.”

“I see, yes it would be handy, no more flying off to the local blood bank or searching for victims on the cold Winter nights, when we would prefer to curl up in front of the TV and watch an episode of “The Walking Living of Transylvannia.”

“Of course Morticia, both of us are not becoming younger and I was thinking of you when organising this new coffin. We could share it, with our favourite blood types.”

“Oh you are a darling Vlad, I knew there was a reason why I chose you over all the other vampires.”

“I think I chose you Morticia, but let us not quibble over minor details. We found each other in this undead world. our 400th wedding anniversary is approaching and we should now spend a little more “together” time on each other.”

And so Morticia and Vlad curled up on the their sofa (another original design from Kind Red with Bats Ear cushions) and watched their favourite TV programme, after organising their blood reserves in the new special air conditioned coffin.

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