Registered
Acme Miracle Cleaning Products Association
New Town Industrial Estate
Ditchford
Dear Sirs,

Lured by your super offer of a gleaming award for the perfect quality of my house floor cleaning, I decided to make an appointment with your floor cleaning salesmen to demonstrate your new apparatus for polishing wooden floors.

He arrived yesterday and said how lucky I was to be honoured with such a demonstration and I would definitely be satisfied with the results. I was so happy to have such a machine, as polishing and removing stains from my parquet flooring was becoming a difficult task. I was curious and even a little excited. At last a solution to a back breaking job of rubbing and polishing the wood to achieve a gloss on my somewhat dull flooring.

Your agent brought the machine into my living room and attached it to the electric supply with its plug and switched it on. Unfortunately it seems that the usage of power was somewhat too strong for this machine and my electric installation and my computer made a strange noise and smoke arose from the keyboard.

“No problem” said your agent, and he produced a new fuse from his pocket and screwed it into our electric system. In the meanwhile a flame appeared from the screen of my computer, but luckily your agent was equipped with a small handy fire extinguisher and there were no further surprises with my computer, although the machine seemed no longer to be working. In the meanwhile the floor polisher was busy doing the work and I must admit it did remove all the dirt and grime. My wooden floor was now clean, the dark brown colour had become medium brown, although it was not yet gleaming.

Another “no problem” was uttered by your salesman, “just a turn on the switch to the advance cleaning speed” he said and with a slightly louder noise the machine improved with its speed and the cleaning brushes were now turning twice as fast. There was no longer need to guide the machine, it became quite independent and made its own way over the floor. Soon my wooden floor gleamed with cleanliness to such an extent that the top layer of wood was removed and transformed into a pile of sawdust. Now the machine seemed to find a life of its own. It was truly powerful and made its way to the kitchen. Unfortunately in the kitchen there are no wooden floors but ceramic tiles. This was not so good because the machine was not designed to cope with cermamic, but no problem of course, the tiles were soon reduced to a pile of gravel.

During this operation your salesman was no longer available. I did hear him drive away in his car. II did not remain alone, there was soon a knock at the door. It was a representative from the local electricity works. It seems they had a problem in our area with the street lighting which had blown a fuse and was no longer working. They traced the mistake to my house and the electricity expert said the mistake happened at 2 o’clock in the afternoon. I then glanced automatically at my electric clock and discovered at precisely this time it had stopped working. I deduced that it could hang together with this wonderful new gleaming award machine which switched on at precisely this time. I also noticed that my computer had also decided to ignite itself at this time.

It is not that I am unsatisfied with your machine and to a certain extent it really did achieve a perfect result with the wooden flooring I once possessed.

Unfortunately I have now received an invoice from the local electricity supply for the replacement of 20 street lamps and the accompanying lamp posts, together with the entire electrical installation amounting to $100,000. I would add that I must also replace my computer as the computer company informed me that it was now beyond repair. I am not asking for too much and a simple computer amounting to $1,000 would suffice for my needs.

Awaiting your reply with anticipation to a quick solution of these financial amounts. I would add that your machine is still moving around my house as it seems the switch is now broken and the plug as melted into the socket.

Yours faithfully,
Mrs. Angloswiss

Unfortunately this letter was returned from the post office with the stamp “Address Unknown”.

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