Your blog is about to be recorded into an audiobook. If you could choose anyone — from your grandma to Samuel L. Jackson — to narrate your posts, who would it be?
Day by day my genius is being realised. Although I am slowly creeping to the top of the Pulitzer prize winners list, every little helps. I will now become an audiobook. Of course my first thought was to record it myself. It is my brain cells that have developed the unique qualities of my daily blog. I would know where to emphasise the bloodthirsty details, to put a slight quiver in my blog when describing the chilling sensation that can curdle your blood. I decided it really needed a masculine voice to relate my words of wisdom. A strong vibrant tone would be necessary to ensure that all would be listening to my tales from the beginning. Now and again my blogs are quite subtle, a little black humour and the details and secrets of my life. I decided to visit a few suitable candidates to relate my blog in its true atmosphere.
My first visit was to the graveyard to find an appropriate voice. Unfortunately Dracula was not at home, neither were his buddies. It was evening, as I knew that any self-respecting vampire sleeps during the day. Unfortunately it was full moon and they were paying their monthly visit to the local blood bank. I decided not to wait until they returned as they would be too busy comparing blood groups and discussing the best choices.
Undaunted I continued on my quest for a good voice. Mr. Swiss volunteered, but unfortunately most of my fans are from English speaking countries. His first question was “How much?” I told him it would be a work of honour and I did not read anywhere whether WordPress were prepared to pay for the job. Mr. Swiss speaks perfect English, sometimes better than me, but there is a slight Swiss intonation which might distract the ladies in my fold. They would show more interest in “the voice” than what I had actually written. To console him I said he could be a substitute, if my first choice would lose his voice.
“Mrs. Human, what about me?”
“Tabby stop waving your paw in the air. No, sorry Tabby, but a cat would not be so suitable. Not all humans understand meow and if the neighbour’s cat joins you, there will be a chorus of spits and growls which is not the framework I need for a perfect blog.”
Tabby my feline left disappointed muttering that she would not choose me for her blog either.
And now for the solution: many may be wondering what my artistic work showing the photo of a crow has to do with this memorable blog. Actually I wanted a photo of a raven, but they do not seem to live in my area of Switzerland. The crow in the photo obliged and allowed me to photoshop a little. The crow told me that if I wanted a raven I should go to the Tower of London, they have a complete tribe living there. The problem is that if they leave it seems London will fall, so they stay. They are well fed, cared for and have no interest in going anywhere else.
Luckily there is such a thing as YouTube, just to give you an idea of the perfect narrator for my unforgettable blog. I know, I do not do YouTube. I do not like blog with videos plastered all over containing music that I do not know or even like, but as a voice is required, here is the one and only unforgettable Vincent Price narrating The Raven by Edgar Allan Poe. The atomosphere is genial, just the background I need. At first a rumble of thunder in the distance, a ghostly tapping and a strong sonorous masculine voice to complete the picture. The atmosphere is set, so introducing Vincent Price. Just imagine this voice accompanying my blog. I have a shiver in my blogging fingers just listening.