Daily Prompt: Your Life, The Book

From a famous writer or celebrity, to a WordPress.com blogger or someone close to you — who would you like to be your biographer?

Photographers, artists, poets: show us WORDS.

Stauffacher Book shop, English dept., Bern

First of all the price has to be right. Naturally Bram Stoker, author of Dracula, or Charles Dickens would be my choice. Bram would definitely catch the dark side of my life, and Charles Dickens would give me a happy end. Unfortunately these two are no longer amongst us, just their books, so they will not fall into the narrow choice I must make amongst all the great writers who will be fighting for the rights to publish my life story.

It will have to be someone successful, well known and able to sell what he writes. Mr. Swiss you say? No, he knows me too well, at least he thinks he does. He might divulge a few home truths about my life that should be kept under cover.

I did hear that some sort of American organisation: National Security Organisation, is quite good at gathering details about various people and various organisations. You do not even have to supply them with details; the details are supplied generously by Google, Yahoo, Microsoft, and Skype. There are certain pseudonyms I use on my way through Internet, and if you enter one of these into your Internet system, you get the story of my life, so why bother about choosing a biographer. You can just take your pick from the Bill Gates machine. Who knows what Bill Gates knows about you.

If I chose a celebrity, it would definitely be Garfield. My three felines just love him, and he would certainly put in a few good meows and pawprints for me in the feline world.

A lady called E.L. James did contact me about writing my biography, and we even had a conference to discuss details. 50 Shades of Boredom, she wanted to call the book, when she saw my grey hair. I told her I was not interested in divulging my closest secrets (too many famous heads might fall), and she even thought I would pay her to write my interesting life story.

I have many contacts to examine. Neil Gaiman, J.R. Rowling and Henning Mankell have already turned it down (no interest apparently). Walt Disney is no longer amongst us, and neither is Alfred Hitchcock – my life would have made such an interesting film.

What did I hear? Helen Fielding, the author of Bridget Jones diary is on the phone. She wants to do an Anglo Swiss Diary with all the details. I think I will accept that one, I am sure she will invent something worth reading and I will at last become famous. Of course I will have to discuss the royalties to charge on the rights of my WorldPress blogs.

Daily Prompt: Your Life, The Book