The door to your house/flat/apartment/abode has come unstuck in time. The next time you walk through it, you find yourself in the same place, but a different time entirely. Where are you, and what happens next?
There are days when I am glad to get home. Why do I do it? Every day shopping, pushing through crowds in the supermarket. I will be glad to sit down in a nice comfortable chair and put my feet up.
But just a moment, there is something wrong. This is my door, but where is the lock? Something looks different. If I cannot use my key I am locked out.
“No problem Mrs. Human, just climb through the open window. My litter sister, Nera, the chief feline decided it was time for a change in our home.”
“Is that you Tabby, where is the keyhole?”, Tabby being a shorthaired tabby cat with the Macdonalds “M” patterned on her forehead in her short fur.
Sometimes I think my three felines do take advantage of me. I buy them tuna fish, I clean their litter box at least twice a day according to their recycling processes, and I make sure they always have fresh water. All the thanks I get is “climb through the open window” because Nera the chief feline decides my home should be more feline friendly.
“Nera” I called “what is going on here? I want to get into my home and it seems I have to climb through the window.”
“Our home Mrs. Human” was Nera’s corrective answer “but if you cannot manage the window, we have had an XXL cat flap fitted for humans. It is the long wide slit at the bottom of the door. You just have to get down on your knees, lay flat on the ground and sort of sleek through. You cannot mistake it. Our feline entrance is at the left of the door, feline friendly, square, but with enough space to let my black, long, silky, sleek fur to pass through.”
“Just a moment Nera, a little explanation would perhaps be suitable. Since when do felines design doors for humans?”
“I found it on my pawpad Mrs. Human, and ordered the new door. There was an advertisement from Hongs feline friendly Emporium in Hong Kong, everything included. You left your credit card on the table, so we used it to simplify matters. It was quite reasonable for the price, only eight thousand Hong Kong dollars.”
Using mental arithmetic I realised this would be a total of approximately one thousand US dollars
.
“What!!!!!!”
“Don’t shout Mrs. Human, we felines have very sensitive ears. It was a bargain, so now climb through the window or crawl through the human flap and enter our newly designed home.”
After that ambiguous invitation I decided I had no choice. No wanting to get my clothes dirty by crawling through a human designed door flap, I decided to choose the window entrance to see what had happened in my human friendly home.
“Hello Mrs. Human” said Fluffy, the youngest of the trio infernal. He is a Selkirk Rex feline, with short dreadlock curls on the top of his head, otherwise covered in long fine wavy soft fur. He is the only man in the feline trio and is blind, both of which he has never really noticed.
“Welcome to the new feline friendly home. Take a seat and relax. There is an empty cushion on the floor, designed with humans in mind. Nice and long, after all we did take into consideration that humans do not wind themselves into a round shape before putting their heads down and closing their eyes. If you want to have a wash before sleeping, I can give you a quick lick over.”
“No thankyou Fluffy, I prefer washing my hands in the bathroom.”
“What bathroom Mrs. Human?” asked Fluffy.”It was part of the package deal to have it replaced with a large feline tray connected to the house plumbing.”
“I don’t get you Fluffy.”
“Much easier Mrs. Human. It was part of the offer from Hongs Feline Friendly Emporium. The feline tray is emptied by just pulling the handle at the side, paw friendly, so you do not have to empty the tray. It all disappears through the water pipes into the sewage.”
I was wondering how I could kill Mr. Hong, perhaps infect his web site with a virus? In the meanwhile something else caught my attention. There were four cat play centers in the living room each one marked with a name. Nera, Tabby, Fluffy and Mrs. Human.
“Err, just a shy question felines. Is that cat play center mine?”
Nera the boss took the word. “Mrs. Human how often do we have to tell you it is not a play center but a gymnastic exercise tower to keep us felines fit and ready to pounce for any bird that may fly past, or mouse that might be seen. We just thought that it would be a good idea that you also have one, to keep you fit and after all you are allowed to live here as our human slave… oh sorry, servant of course. Oh and just to mention it, the dining room is now …..”
I had to interrupt. “Don’t tell me Nera, it is full of tins of tuna fish?” I was hoping.
“Not quiet Mrs. Human” answered Tabby “You will find the door now has a cat flap on one side, reserved for felines. The floor is covered with mouse friendly sawdust and straw. It is part of the adventure playground programme. If we are hungry, we just go hunting for mice.
I awoke in the in the psychiatry ward of the local hospital with a circulatory collapse and was mumbling confused words. The felines had called the emergency service on their pawpads and the ambulance arrived a few minutes later. They had to break through the new feline friendly door as they could not carry the stretcher through the human flap in the door. They decided to keep me here until I could think and talk clearly. At the moment they feed me on tuna fish and vitamin pellets.
Chronicles of an Anglo Swiss 