If you could have any author –living or dead – write your biography, who would you choose?
Photo: by me (with a little help from Photo Shop)
I think this starts with the elimination of those I do not want. Jane Austin would be too prim and proper, Conan Doyle would probably want to go too deep into the clues I had left behind and D.H. Lawrence explains too much that should be left private.
Bram Stoker would be not too bad. I like his style and he would perhaps use my blogs, my letters and my diary to show the real facts. He might even find a vampire somewhere in my past.
“Mrs. Human, forget it. I will write your biography. I know the truth behind your human disguise.”
That is just what I needed, my chief cat Nera writing my life story.
“But Nera, you only know the side of me as I am now. You know nothing about my childhood or my past.”
“No problem Mrs. Human. Half the stuff in those biographies is only written to sell the book. I would write the truth. How your first feline, called Whisky, adopted you when you were small. He taught you meow and how to clean the litter box perfectly. He showed you how to prepare a decent feline meal which is why my sister Tabby and I adopted you as our slave. I would write how you immediately tend to our needs when called, how you give us a tummy tickle and a stroke under the chin when it is necessary. By the time I am finished with your life story, you will be the feline slave of the year. The book will be a best seller and Tabby and I will live from the royalties for the rest of our lives.”
“But the book is about me Nera, so what do I get out of it?”
“We keep you as our servant for ever.”
“I don’t know if I want that Nera.”
“Of course you do. Think of all the people without a purpose in life and have no work. They feel neglected, sad: but you Mrs. Human, you will be happy knowing that there will be a place for you in the feline world.”
“Something is wrong somewhere Nera. When you write a biography about someone, you write how good and perfect they are and the good deeds they have performed in life. You write about the problems they had and how they conquered them. When the book is finished everyone thinks only positive thoughts about the central figure. Knowing that they cleaned feline litter trays perfectly and that there is always a place for you in the feline household is not exactly the idea. No, Nera, I think I will ask Michael Connolly or Jussi Adler Olsen, at least they bring some adventure into the proceedings.”
“Something else, Mrs. Human. I will write it just for a plate of tuna. If you take one of those famous writers, they will want a little more.”
“You are wrong Nera. I do not have to pay anything, the owner of the WordPress blogging system is paying the bill.”